In an effort to be real, I'm just putting it out there, sometimes being fat sucks. In the last two days, I've had my self esteem kicked in the teeth.
A couple days ago, while picking up my daughter from daycare, her little friend (who's all of three years old) asked rather directly, "Why are you so big?" She didn't mean any harm, and I just told her this is what happened because I ate junk food for many years. However, what ensued next made it kind of embarrasing. Our daycare lady, who didn't fully hear what was asked, but heard my response, asked incredulously, "WHAT did she just ask you?" Fail #1. I had to repeat the question. Then our formerly-heavy-but-now-thin-thanks-to-lap-band daycare lady says, "___, we do NOT say things like that! It's rude! Say you're sorry!" So the little girl, who looks like she's going to cry, squeaks out an "I'm sorry" and hangs her head. Fail #2. Making someone feel like crap for asking a question out of curiosity, not spite. That made it so much worse than if we addressed the question and left it at that because that added an element of shame to it. The lesson taught to this little girl was "Being fat is something you hide, not discuss and it's bad." I would have rather presented it to her as "Being fat just means you're a different shape and you shouldn't eat junk food, you should eat healthy because it's better for you." And we wonder why we have such body phobias in life.
The second and third blows came yesterday. While sitting at lunch, one of my sweet, elderly co-workers asked out of the blue, "I know you don't want gastric bypass, but have you considered Lap-band?" Like sitting there watching me at my trough at the lunch table brought up thoughts of my should-be-necessary-need to make myself smaller. Then after my 3 o'clock break, one of our aids (who I SWEAR has Aspergers, just judging by the lack of filters and social graces continually exhibited), while waiting for supplies asks me, "So, what made you fall off the wagon? I noticed you gained all your weight back," as he then proceeded to tell me exactly how I needed to telepathically channel my ancestors via the cosmos to beat my genetic predisposition to being fat. Wow. I'm also thinking he may sit around at night in a tin-foil hat trying to intercept alien transmissions.
So last night, I let it get to me. I let it ruin my day. It's one thing to be fat and be comfortable being fat. For the most part I am. I know I want to clean up my eating so that my blood pressure will go down and my breathing will be easier, and shaving my legs isn't an olympic event anymore, but do I care that I have more adipose tissue than the average person? Not really. I still dress up and do my hair and makeup and feel pretty. I think I do a pretty good job. I'm not haggard and slovenly. But it's another thing entirely that other people are sitting around pondering my weight and thinking of the best way to approach me with their opinion of what I should do about it? Why do I care?
I honestly don't know. I don't write this to have a "Whoa is me" pity party or anything like that. For starters, it just reaffirmed that I need to educate people on how fat people like to be treated. It amazes me how many people hate that I use the word fat, as if the word itself is bad. It's a word. And it is what it is. It's a descriptive word. It is neutral, not good or bad. It's only what prejudice we attach to the word that gives it sway one way or the other. I am fat. And I'm ok with that being used as a descriptive word. To use the terms chubby, fluffy, rubenesque, queen-sized, heavy-set, big-boned, etc seems to be just a way to "soften the blow" of a prejudice towards fat. I guess maybe that is why it bothers me when someone questions why/how someone became fat. Do we ask an overly thin person how they became that way? Perhaps if there was a great transition from fat to thin. And it's usually posed with a level of excitement. Because someone has beat the fat curse and attained the thin body that everyone should have. That's never the way someone asks how someone became fat. Truth be told, I don't mind when little kids ask. They're just curious and innocent, and as of yet, there's no stigma attached. It's for gathering information only, rather than the way grown people ask, always with either a sound of sympathy or derision in their voice. It's never a "Hey, I noticed you're fat. Have you always been fat?" Do you think perhaps that's because grown adults KNOW the answer, or at least understand how it works. So why do they act like they don't? We don't go around telling random people how they can get a handle on their diabetes or high blood pressure or acne or whatever, unless asked for advice. Yet, it never fails to astonish me the number of people who want to give me the "cure" for being fat.
I don't want to be cured from being fat. I want to be healthy. I want to have a strong heart, so I will walk. I want to have a body that isn't inflamed, so I will eat non-inflammatory foods. I want to have increased mobility, so I will stretch and do yoga. Undoubtedly, weight loss will accompany many of these things. But will it make me "skinny" - not necessarily. But I don't want to be skinny and unhealthy, the way many are, living on nicotine and caffeine, who manage to remain a size 6 due their regime of Hydroxycut and Diurex with iceberg salads. No, thank you.
Thank you for allowing me to flesh out my thoughts here. To be able to organize my goals, my stance, and my self worth is such a help. I already am feeling better and am realizing that my self esteem is just fine. I'm just reminded that the world is a fractured, fallen place. Not everyone is on the same journey I am, nor understands that journey, but so long as my eyes are on Christ, my self worth is secure. Fat or thin, healthy or not, I am a daughter of the King Most High. He loves me in ways too grand to measure. His opinion of me is the standard by which I hold myself. No matter what size my body is, I'm choosing to honor Him.
1 Corinthians 6:19,20 - "Do you not know your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit...therefore honor God with your body."
Wednesday, August 29, 2012
Monday, August 20, 2012
n=1 : Be your own experiment...
"Let food be thy medicine and let thy medicine be food..." - Hippocrates
Although I'm fine with being fat from a physical appearance stand point and believe that fat is no less beautiful than thin, and will remain someone who actively campaigns love and acceptance of people of all sizes, I am not fine with myself being unhealthy and feeling like crap and taking a ton of pharmaceuticals. So, with that being said, I'm changing my diet.
Now by diet, I don't mean restricting calories, running on treadmills, or following some crazy formula of Slim-Fast and diuretics. I mean changing my food from the crap they peddle at drive through chains and the center of the grocery store in boxes with cartoon characters and instead fueling my body with whole, nourishing food that comes from natural sources. My goal is not focused on losing weight, but to reverse the conditions in my body that are keeping me from living a healthy, pain free, and medication free existence. If weight loss accompanies, which it may, then that's fine, but it is not the main goal. I do not want to undermine my commitment to love and beauty at every size or have this journey be taken as a change of acceptance of myself or any other. However, health is an admirable goal and I believe that one can truly acheive health at any size and being thin is NOT what makes someone healthy, nor is being fat what makes someone unhealthy.
OK, that stated, here are my goals:
1) I want to be completely off my blood pressure medication.
2) I want to be in better control of my bipolar disorder and able to take less medication, and ideally adjust my brain chemicals to the point that I can stop taking it altogether (don't lecture me, there's studies, it can be done).
3) I want to eliminate the plantar fasciitis that causes me immense foot pain.
4) I want to have better lung function to improve my singing.
5) I want to be able to keep up with my daughter while playing.
6) I want to be able to have a second child, medication and pre-eclamsia free.
7) Consistenly have BG (blood glucose) numbers in the "normal" range.
Here is how I plan to achieve these goals:
1) I'm completely cutting out processed food, with the exception of cheese, butter, coconut oil and EVOO. No more "crap in a box" or fast food.
2) I'm completely cutting out gluten, wheat, and all grain products, though occasionally I will eat long grain wild rice because it's actually a grass, not a grain and doesn't affect the body in the same inflammatory way.
3) I'm focusing on eating grass fed meat, lots of organic veggies, and organic fruit in limited amounts.
4) I will walk 30 minutes a day most days of the week. I will do some strength training a couple days of the week. I will rest 1-2 days a week.
5) I will read my Bible as my form of relaxing meditation to reduce stress and bring calm into my day.
6) I will do foot exercises and ice therapy to reduce inflammation in my fasciia on my feet, rather than resort to pills.
7) I will research herbal alternative therapies to my symptoms rather than settle for a prescription I know nothing about.
There you have it. That's the game plan. My plan is to measure my blood pressure and my blood glucose daily and to NOT measure my weight. I am avoiding the scale entirely and using my external signs of health rather that my gravitational relationship to the earth as my markers of success. If my doctor insists on weighing me, whatever, but for my own peace of mind and assessment of true health, I choose not to.
I invite you all along in my journey to better health and encourage you to work toward improving your own health and how that looks for you. I'm excited. I'm anticipating great upward changes in my health. Thank you all for your continued love, friendship, prayer and support. I couldn't ask for better family and friends. Be blessed and eat healthy!
Although I'm fine with being fat from a physical appearance stand point and believe that fat is no less beautiful than thin, and will remain someone who actively campaigns love and acceptance of people of all sizes, I am not fine with myself being unhealthy and feeling like crap and taking a ton of pharmaceuticals. So, with that being said, I'm changing my diet.
Now by diet, I don't mean restricting calories, running on treadmills, or following some crazy formula of Slim-Fast and diuretics. I mean changing my food from the crap they peddle at drive through chains and the center of the grocery store in boxes with cartoon characters and instead fueling my body with whole, nourishing food that comes from natural sources. My goal is not focused on losing weight, but to reverse the conditions in my body that are keeping me from living a healthy, pain free, and medication free existence. If weight loss accompanies, which it may, then that's fine, but it is not the main goal. I do not want to undermine my commitment to love and beauty at every size or have this journey be taken as a change of acceptance of myself or any other. However, health is an admirable goal and I believe that one can truly acheive health at any size and being thin is NOT what makes someone healthy, nor is being fat what makes someone unhealthy.
OK, that stated, here are my goals:
1) I want to be completely off my blood pressure medication.
2) I want to be in better control of my bipolar disorder and able to take less medication, and ideally adjust my brain chemicals to the point that I can stop taking it altogether (don't lecture me, there's studies, it can be done).
3) I want to eliminate the plantar fasciitis that causes me immense foot pain.
4) I want to have better lung function to improve my singing.
5) I want to be able to keep up with my daughter while playing.
6) I want to be able to have a second child, medication and pre-eclamsia free.
7) Consistenly have BG (blood glucose) numbers in the "normal" range.
Here is how I plan to achieve these goals:
1) I'm completely cutting out processed food, with the exception of cheese, butter, coconut oil and EVOO. No more "crap in a box" or fast food.
2) I'm completely cutting out gluten, wheat, and all grain products, though occasionally I will eat long grain wild rice because it's actually a grass, not a grain and doesn't affect the body in the same inflammatory way.
3) I'm focusing on eating grass fed meat, lots of organic veggies, and organic fruit in limited amounts.
4) I will walk 30 minutes a day most days of the week. I will do some strength training a couple days of the week. I will rest 1-2 days a week.
5) I will read my Bible as my form of relaxing meditation to reduce stress and bring calm into my day.
6) I will do foot exercises and ice therapy to reduce inflammation in my fasciia on my feet, rather than resort to pills.
7) I will research herbal alternative therapies to my symptoms rather than settle for a prescription I know nothing about.
There you have it. That's the game plan. My plan is to measure my blood pressure and my blood glucose daily and to NOT measure my weight. I am avoiding the scale entirely and using my external signs of health rather that my gravitational relationship to the earth as my markers of success. If my doctor insists on weighing me, whatever, but for my own peace of mind and assessment of true health, I choose not to.
I invite you all along in my journey to better health and encourage you to work toward improving your own health and how that looks for you. I'm excited. I'm anticipating great upward changes in my health. Thank you all for your continued love, friendship, prayer and support. I couldn't ask for better family and friends. Be blessed and eat healthy!
Wednesday, August 15, 2012
#rant
After battling what has turned out to be one helluva chest cold, I realized I hadn't written anything last week, which means I'm already behind and I've only just begun. I also haven't really known what to write about. Still don't. There were several things I was batting around but with no solid direction for any of it, so perhaps this will just be a random vomiting of all the crap swimming around in my head keeping me occupied while my cough withholds any meaningful amount of sleep.
For starters, I'm REALLY tired of the political mudslinging going on between all people, parties, candidates, etc. and have decided to completely disengage in any/all political discussions. If everyone insists on acting like children, I'll refrain from speaking on the matter entirely. I'll speak my piece by checking the box for my preferred candidate come election day, until then, I don't want to hear or talk about it. I'm sick to death of the division everyone is so keen on causing. That seems to be the driving force of people anymore.
Secondly, I'd like to change the title of "Facebook" to "Bitchbook" as it appears that's all anyone uses it for. To bitch and moan about all the negative crap in their life. I can hear you now, "Hey, isn't that exactly what she's doing right now??!" Yes, yes it is. But this is actually rather out of character for me and I'm thinking perhaps this tirade is because I'm hormonal and sleep deprived. Whatever. I spend half my time of Facebook shaking my head as I read post after post of people just spewing negativity, vitriol, and bitterness. Rarely do I read about something positive or upbeat. And the majority of my "friends" on Facebook are Christians! Where is the JOY people!? Not that the Christian life is all rainbows and lollipops, but wow, to hear some people tell it, they're absolutely miserable. And it's usually with some "First World Issue" that next week won't even be an afterthought or with situations that are simply results of their own poor life management skills.
So in an effort to focus on positive things in my life, I am listing some potential negatives in my life and focusing on the positive side of it. The silver lining, if you will.
1) My roof has an unfound leak. However, I have been blessed with a roof over my head, and do not have to worry about battling 100+ degree days or fighting off Malaria-carrying bugs as I sleep.
2) I have an unrelenting cough. However, I am not terminal and will recover. Should I deem it necessary, I have medical coverage that will ensure treatment by a physician and access to medication at one of the top healthcare providers.
3) I am "morbidly obese". However, I have a job that pays enough money to buy food and live in a country that provides me with access to food 24/7. I have a husband, family and friends who love me unconditionally, regardless of my size and have never caused me to feel shame about my weight.
4) My daughter is not able to attend kindergarten this year. However, we know she is cared for each day by people who love her as their own and provide her little brain with lots of knowledge and challenge her to grow daily. We are able to work and feel secure that she is safe. The fact that we have the ability to provide her with an education at all is a huge blessing.
5) My job sucks sometimes. However, I am extremely blessed to have a job, especially one that pays well, considering I have no degree, economic times are rough, and that provides me with wonderful benefits and has co-workers I genuinely love and care about.
6) Being a Christian is not an easy road nowadays. However, I am able to freely worship a God Who loves me, attend a church of WONDERFUL people who love me as well, and teach my daughter about our faith openly, without fear of physical harm or need to hide out in underground caves. I can read my Bible at a park, or a restaurant, or in a courthouse. I can say the name of Jesus easily in passing conversation without fear of death.
I could go on and on. I guess my point is this, I know life can be crappy, but if you're always only looking at every raindrop that falls, you miss out on the rainbows often left by the storm. If you look for the negative, you'll always find it. As my favorite band, The Grateful Dead sings, "Every silver lining's got a touch of grey." BUT, the opposite is true as well. I think when we start focusing on the positives in life, it creates a "snowball" effect and we end up much happier, positive people. No one wants to be around a "Debbie Downer" all the time. Maybe that makes me a Pollyanna. So be it.
So, thank you for allowing me the freedom to rant and carry on. If you notice it becoming a habit, though, call me on it. I'll save my rant about hypocrisy for another post.
For starters, I'm REALLY tired of the political mudslinging going on between all people, parties, candidates, etc. and have decided to completely disengage in any/all political discussions. If everyone insists on acting like children, I'll refrain from speaking on the matter entirely. I'll speak my piece by checking the box for my preferred candidate come election day, until then, I don't want to hear or talk about it. I'm sick to death of the division everyone is so keen on causing. That seems to be the driving force of people anymore.
Secondly, I'd like to change the title of "Facebook" to "Bitchbook" as it appears that's all anyone uses it for. To bitch and moan about all the negative crap in their life. I can hear you now, "Hey, isn't that exactly what she's doing right now??!" Yes, yes it is. But this is actually rather out of character for me and I'm thinking perhaps this tirade is because I'm hormonal and sleep deprived. Whatever. I spend half my time of Facebook shaking my head as I read post after post of people just spewing negativity, vitriol, and bitterness. Rarely do I read about something positive or upbeat. And the majority of my "friends" on Facebook are Christians! Where is the JOY people!? Not that the Christian life is all rainbows and lollipops, but wow, to hear some people tell it, they're absolutely miserable. And it's usually with some "First World Issue" that next week won't even be an afterthought or with situations that are simply results of their own poor life management skills.
So in an effort to focus on positive things in my life, I am listing some potential negatives in my life and focusing on the positive side of it. The silver lining, if you will.
1) My roof has an unfound leak. However, I have been blessed with a roof over my head, and do not have to worry about battling 100+ degree days or fighting off Malaria-carrying bugs as I sleep.
2) I have an unrelenting cough. However, I am not terminal and will recover. Should I deem it necessary, I have medical coverage that will ensure treatment by a physician and access to medication at one of the top healthcare providers.
3) I am "morbidly obese". However, I have a job that pays enough money to buy food and live in a country that provides me with access to food 24/7. I have a husband, family and friends who love me unconditionally, regardless of my size and have never caused me to feel shame about my weight.
4) My daughter is not able to attend kindergarten this year. However, we know she is cared for each day by people who love her as their own and provide her little brain with lots of knowledge and challenge her to grow daily. We are able to work and feel secure that she is safe. The fact that we have the ability to provide her with an education at all is a huge blessing.
5) My job sucks sometimes. However, I am extremely blessed to have a job, especially one that pays well, considering I have no degree, economic times are rough, and that provides me with wonderful benefits and has co-workers I genuinely love and care about.
6) Being a Christian is not an easy road nowadays. However, I am able to freely worship a God Who loves me, attend a church of WONDERFUL people who love me as well, and teach my daughter about our faith openly, without fear of physical harm or need to hide out in underground caves. I can read my Bible at a park, or a restaurant, or in a courthouse. I can say the name of Jesus easily in passing conversation without fear of death.
I could go on and on. I guess my point is this, I know life can be crappy, but if you're always only looking at every raindrop that falls, you miss out on the rainbows often left by the storm. If you look for the negative, you'll always find it. As my favorite band, The Grateful Dead sings, "Every silver lining's got a touch of grey." BUT, the opposite is true as well. I think when we start focusing on the positives in life, it creates a "snowball" effect and we end up much happier, positive people. No one wants to be around a "Debbie Downer" all the time. Maybe that makes me a Pollyanna. So be it.
So, thank you for allowing me the freedom to rant and carry on. If you notice it becoming a habit, though, call me on it. I'll save my rant about hypocrisy for another post.
Thursday, August 2, 2012
Us vs. Them??
Let me first preface this by stating this particular post is in no way meant to be incendiary, although I am aware and accept that I may catch flack from both sides of the argument. I respect and uphold your right to an opinion, even if it differs from mine.
Secondly, let me say to all my gay friends, of which I have many, that I love you. Most, if not all of you, know that I am a Christian, and as such, hold to biblical teaching of God’s design for intimate relationships. However, since you know that, I see no point in shoving my belief on you repetitiously, as if doing that would somehow magically change your opinion on the matter, nor does it change our friendship and my love for you. Most of you know and accept that and we agree to disagree and go right along loving one another.
This brings me to my actual comment on the matter. My friend, who is gay, posted on his blog his response to the Chik-Fil-A brouhaha. In summary, he was fine agreeing to disagree up until the mass “eat-in” taking place at Chik-Fil-A’s all over the country yesterday and seeing a photograph of it.
From his perspective, the message he saw was not one of Christian love, support and solidarity for a Christian brother voicing his 1st amendment rights. It was hatred for what he holds to be intrinsically him, and dangerous to young people wrestling with their feelings and orientation, not old enough to understand the whole picture. And he isn’t alone in that feeling. While it’s fine to voice your view and it’s fine for people to support that, on either side of the fence, the “eat-in” did not speak of the love we run around professing we hold as the main “fruit” of our belief in Jesus Christ as our Savior.
Shame on us.
As Christians, we should be asking ourselves are we more concerned with the well being of the neighbor we are told to love and sharing the redeeming power of Christ’s love and forgiveness, or do we care more about being “right” and shouting that we will not tolerate other people voicing opinions against someone sharing their opposing belief simply because we happen to agree with one side and not the other?
The issue here is not eating at Chik-Fil-A. If you want to support a Christian establishment and agree with the views they hold and causes they support, whatever. I eat there. I don’t plan on changing that. I also, similarly, wouldn’t stop eating at an establishment simply because they contributed to LGBT causes. Or even non-Christian ones for that matter. Short of growing your own fruits and veggies and raising your own livestock, shearing your own sheep, making your own clothing and living TOTALLY off the grid, there is no way you can ensure that you are not supporting a cause on any front that you do not agree with. Period. So let’s not make that the issue.
The issue is when we make this “us vs. them.” It serves no purpose. It doesn’t teach people about God’s love or God’s grace. There’s no balance. When all you’re shouting at people is Law, there’s no hope.
Acting as though we are somehow less sinful, more righteous, we become the Pharisee in Luke 18:11,
“The Pharisee, standing by himself, prayed thus: ‘God, I thank you that I am not like other men, extortioners, unjust, adulterers, or even like this tax collector.”
Based on some of our actions, we may as well just insert “homosexual” into that list. Who came up with this “Top 10 Most Grievous Sins” list, anyhow? Last I remember, there’s a whole laundry list of people who God says “won’t inherit the kingdom of God
“Don't you realize that those who do wrong will not inherit the Kingdom of God
It’s not an issue of repentance or non-repentance either, because as a “group,” are we boycotting establishments run by those having hetero sex outside of marriage? Or being openly hostile to those guilty of idol worship (Possessions? Celebrities? Career? Spouse? Children?), as they elevate something else to the status of God Almighty. Do we stage protests with picket signs on corners opposite of the corners being worked by hookers?
No. In those circumstances, we lovingly come alongside the person and try to counsel them, or help them out of the situation they find themselves in, while pointing them lovingly toward a gracious and forgiving Savior who desires to see them made whole. We offer to pray with and for them. And in the end, we can peaceably agree to disagree if we come to a stalemate on the issue.
Somehow all bets are off when it comes to being gay. It breaks my heart and it makes me sad. So often, Christians focus on the “cause” and forget the so-called "opposition" is made up of real people. People who are God’s children, the same as you or I. People who have hopes and dreams, love and feelings.
So, my closing thoughts are these. Believe as you will, financially support whom you will, but let truth AND love be your motivating factor in ALL you do. Not hopping on the band wagon. Not proving a point. Not being right. Once you’ve shared your belief, there’s no need for you to beat people about the head with it. Because if you say you believe that God is enthroned in glory, and God is in control, then why take it upon ourselves to do God’s work? Last I checked, neither one of us received notice we’d been promoted to the position of the Holy Spirit.
Just love them.
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